Dependent love, disappointing love

Dependent love, disappointing love

Free time, youth, carefree … are factors that increase the desire to experience new loves , to get involved in a loving dance, more like a beautiful Argentine Tango than a sweet and harmonious waltz.

There are people, however, who are unable to derive pleasures from this dance and implement ancient dynamics that make the love relationship resemble a tug-of-war rather than a dance .

Narcissistic partners will almost always be part of this duet, because they constantly need attention and reassurance and find in the affective dependent partners the perfect piece to be able to complete their puzzle.

On the one hand there is a partner (often with narcissistic traits) who needs to feel important and indispensable. On the other hand, there is a person (often dependent) who will begin to look for reassurance in this partner to increase their self-esteem and security, which has always been lacking. In practice, even if in completely different ways, the two partners seek mutual confirmation.

How do you go from tango to tug of war?

There are dynamics that may have favored these relational models which, as stated, transform a relationship into an authentic  tug-of-war .

If, for example, a child has had parents with a very severe educational style (defined by Alice Miller as “black pedagogy”) with too frequent punishment, emotional blackmail, guilt (…), all this will create fertile ground for an emotional addiction.

Or, if the parents were emotionally distant (including the father figure), all this will lead the future woman to a constant search for reassurance and an incessant search for proof of love … more than anything else in the world, thus trying to fill gaps. pass.

The child will learn to have to constantly adapt to the external environment, leaving his / her thoughts, emotions, feelings in the background … This barter makes him / her fragile and insecure, always having to appeal to the outside for confirmation on the own subjectivity.

Self-esteem is almost always measured on a scale of values ​​that refer to how much the person was able to make the other person feel good, and not on how well the person is able to feel good about himself.

In this exchange, where you barter something precious (your well-being) you want to receive something equally important … however, nothing can ever give us back the value we have never recognized (and never been recognized).

You love me? But how much do you love me?

The fateful phrase “Do you love me? But how much do you love me? ”, Almost becomes the mantra of these couple relationships and instead of healing the insecurity that lies beneath the surface, that inner fire of suffering and low self-esteem increases even more.

Affective addiction is a real addiction . As with other forms of addiction, brain circuits are established that are activated when we engage in that behavior, designed to give us a feeling of fulfillment .

Clearly it is only a semblance of well-being, because it will tend to disappear more and more rapidly as we become more and more prisoners of the tyranny of the manipulative partner.

The fear of not being loved enough and being abandoned will dominate this type of relationship.
An authentic relationship will no longer be cultivated where reciprocity and individuality are a fundamental part of the couple and of the single individuals that compose it. What will be built is a relationship based on ancestral patterns that we propose again with the partner on duty.

In this fusion of individuals, everyone will look for the missing part without ever having the hope of being able to reach it .

Many couple relationships are based on the principle in which, in some way, the other must be able to fill our shortcomings but, in some ways, some shortcomings succeed precisely in this dysfunctional couple game.

Relationships of emotional dependence are those that are established on too fragile bases; in this context, the emotional addict chooses a partner who feeds the underlying insecurity rather than heals it .

It is not a matter of relationships in which the other helps us to grow, stimulates us to overcome the weaknesses he glimpses, but it is a matter of relationships in which the chosen partner uses (more or less unconsciously) the frailties of the other to draw personal advantages (to heal one’s shortcomings in a dysfunctional way  ).

Healing from emotional addiction

Affective addiction will accompany that person for a good part of their life or until they start asking the right questions. Already taking note of having a relational problem, in some way, breaks chains and helps to regain serenity. Then you will have to work on your self-esteem and, if necessary, trace the origin of the problem.

Many women prefer to be enslaved to these relationships, but this is manifested only by the inability to find the relationship. Clearly, as we said before, it is about addiction, and should be treated as such.

To make a comparison (strong but fitting), even the heroin addict cannot stop taking his dose out of the blue, but must gradually taper off so that he can live with the effects of abstinence.

Similarly, the dependent person will have to slowly work on their awareness and self-esteem, before severing this relationship. It is necessary to build those bases of security, in this way,  the detachment from the abusive partner will come spontaneously.

If you don’t work well on yourself and force yourself to detach yourself without  processing everything , you could easily have a relapse, in some way even more dangerous, because it would risk further damaging your self-confidence.

Don’t be afraid to heal from this form of love

Loneliness, for those suffering from emotional dependence, makes you feel lost, without reference points, empty and worthless. After this first period and working on one’s inner resources, a new form of confidence in one’s abilities will begin to be felt , even for the mere fact of having had the courage to turn the page.

Keep holding on and your perceived worth will begin to grow too. A bit like when you want to quit smoking, when you want to put a cigarette in your mouth, before taking it in your mouth, you will smell some extinguished butts left in a jar to throw out all their smell of “death”.

So when you want to retrace your steps, it may be useful to re-read the torments and disappointments, carefully noted in a diary  that we will keep, to be able to reread if necessary.

So if you have developed the awareness of being an emotional addict, do not worry, start with the right moves and step by step, try to regain possession of yourself / s. If you can’t do it on your own / and there are always professionals who can help you.