Desire and sexuality: the difficult combination for the couple

Desire and sexuality: the difficult combination for the couple

There are in fact more and more couples who move away from their sex life, almost without becoming aware of it. The poetry of the encounter of bodies is no longer able to express itself and becomes only a very distant memory.


Advertising message “What I like most, I still don’t know”, this could be the slogan of many couples who, after a few years of shared life, no longer find themselves in the enchantment of the first embrace. They then begin to build a distinction between sex and love, with the result that everything they want is not implemented and turns into a problem, to the point to be erected, between sexuality and loving feeling, a real barrier, which often becomes a limit between the sheets. Until they create a clear border between the two, that is where sex begins and ends and where love begins and ends, a border that often becomes insurmountable.

Here then the poetry of the encounter of the bodies can no longer express itself, but becomes a distant memory.

The most frequent mistake is to talk about it. To decide what to do or not to do, how to do it, when to do it, why do it and so on.

He turns to her with thoughts, often also the result of stereotypes, such as:

Her thoughts:

These are just a few sentences that are said or thought in a couple.

The male thought of having “sexual needs” that a woman does not have is a legacy of a macho culture, which did not recognize a subjective value of sexuality or desire for women. A grotesque and reductive conception of sexuality, which is still unfortunately found in many young men today.

In the couple, the sexual question becomes more complicated when the two begin to discuss it, until it becomes a real puzzle to be solved.

Especially in couple life and particularly with regard to the sexual topic, it would be a good rule to differentiate what it is good to talk about and what it is good to keep silent. Instead, the couple undertakes a real contradictory, where everyone argues their reasons, with reflections of all kinds.

The result is very often to “plan” how to do it and when, thus eliminating the most natural aspect of sexuality, making something that naturally arises naturally obligatory. By promoting, in this way, most of the sexual disorders, which will inevitably occur in the couple’s life.

The sexual instinct is a natural element that belongs to the human race, it is characterized by various aspects depending on the culture of reference. It is in fact unthinkable to speak of sexuality without historically contextualizing it.

Today we talk a lot about sex, in many different ways. The ease with which it is possible to access pornography on the net represents one of the ways to “get informed”, but also the most dangerous way to “get away” from one’s sexual-emotional life.

Men are the ones who most often take advantage of watching pornographic videos and spend more time than women watching them. One of the risks of the high availability of free or cheap online pornography is that of removing the subject from the real experience, sometimes favoring the onset of the so-called porn addiction disorder.

It is a true addiction that affects both the emotional and the compulsive aspects. So the subject acts as if receiving continuous stimuli to seek pleasure, in an increasingly pressing way. The ailment often becomes disabling to the point of affecting relationships and seeking the help of experts to heal them.

We know that an erection is a mechanism subjected to brain control, this means that it cannot be commanded, but it can be inhibited by fear, insecurity or, as it increasingly happens, by the use of alcohol and drugs.

If on the one hand erotic fantasies perform the functions of increasing the level of sexual arousal and giving pleasure, on the other hand, watching videos with erotic content can favor an erotic imagery that is often too far from reality.

Watching videos of pornographic content and getting excited to the point of having an erection can be pleasant, but when it assumes the traits of a recurring, repeated and exclusive modality, it distorts the perception of the sensations that can be felt when in the presence of a person real.

In fact, since what is proposed cinematically is the result of artifices and stage performances, which have nothing to do with the real feelings of the subjects involved, the desire to emulate the actors’ stage performances, leads to continuous frustrations that they can produce, paradoxically , the effect of giving up the encounter with the other or the inevitable sexual defaillance. The other risk is to demand from the other actions and behaviors seen on the net, without modulating their requests on the wishes and needs of the other.

Another unfavorable element for the couple is the renunciation of real sexuality in favor of virtual one. Behavior that deteriorates the relationship, often irreversibly.

There are in fact more and more couples who move away from their sex life and do it out of indolence, almost without becoming aware of it. But, as often happens, it can happen that, for reasons that only apparently do not concern sexuality, we turn to a therapist, it will be at that point that, inevitably, the sexual dysfunctionality of the couple will emerge.

A myth to dispel about female sexuality is that which relegates female sexual dysfunctions to the taboo of sex.

Sex was, in many respects, cleared of customs by the taboos and preconceptions to which a certain conservative and misogynist culture had relegated it. In favor of an increasing recognition of its importance, for the psycho-emotional balance of each person, regardless of the type of belonging.

Saint Augustine himself reminds us that

There are people who are ashamed to show themselves or make their erotic desires explicit and this can be unconsciously validated by the partner’s inability to interpret and favor their natural externalization.

Sometimes, attitudes and / or considerations, even addressed to other topics, which seem not to be related to sexuality, but which can be traced back to themes of modesty and shame, have the ability to generate emotional difficulties that create a real block with respect to his sexuality and the way of considering pleasure.

Sometimes your body remains a mystery. It is a mystery that must be revealed and understood if one wants to fully grasp its characteristics and indulge oneself pleasantly in his will. But to grasp the nuances of his desire, to embark on the two-way road towards the realization of the sexual encounter, is not always possible. This is because when a person does not feel fully desired or feels judged or not accepted in all its characteristics, he cannot abandon himself to the fluid of the senses. In fact, the state of vigilance does not favor excitement or sexual compliance.

When an individual appears “closed” to his partner, in most cases it happens because he has not been able to know and therefore fully interpret the desires of his body.

Advertising message Since sexual desire originates in the brain and is a need that is activated naturally, it is clear how much it can be influenced by the environment in which it develops and the way it is stimulated. In fact, the activation of desire undergoes various influences, especially environmental ones, which is why the creation of a “place” that can accommodate and nourish the desire of the partners is important.

Men and women have a different sensory stimulation, generally the males would activate themselves visually, the females would suffer more the charm of the skin and verbal stimulation, such as caresses, kisses and sensual words. We know that hormones influence its activation. In particular, the androgens that are the ones most involved in the desire activation process, male hormones but also present in women.

Female pleasure therefore follows different paths than male, with different times. Its activation takes place by following sensory and emotional paths, that is, body and spirit must be activated to favor their encounter and emotional relaxation.

It is good to underline that even if sexual desire is activated, sustained and manifests itself in a different way, it has the same intensity in both women and men, that is, it is the same for both.

It manifests itself differently. The male with more explicit signals, the woman through less evident visual signals. This is why the knowledge of your body and the sensations it needs to receive is important, so that adequate excitatory resonance can be activated.

Sex becomes a nuisance when trying to control things that cannot be controlled, such as that of feeling pleasure, feeling desire, having an erection, an orgasm, because, whenever you try to act with voluntary behavior, you it falls into a paradox, like that of the known: “be spontaneous!”.

So the more I look for pleasant sensations, the more I don’t feel them.

In this regard, the metaphor of the centipede that Paul Watzlawick, psychologist and member of the Palo Alto School, reported during his lectures, seems written on purpose.

The need to find a balance between self-control and loss of control, when there is a pleasure mechanism, becomes indispensable both when it comes to sex.

In most cases, fears prevent the successful sexual experience. In performance anxiety, it is the fear of failure that traps to the point of becoming a disabling problem. Fear of performance affects both male and female. The fear of not succeeding, of not living up to expectations, of not satisfying the other, are all fears that imprison the mind, twisted mechanisms that elude any form of pleasure.

“I have to do it … I have to do it”, but inevitably it will be a flop!

The fear of being disappointed often intervenes in women, when a sexual experience has not met expectations. This happens in many cases of premature ejaculation, a situation in which the couple also struggles to recognize the problem, often evaded by the male attitude.

The most common consequence will be to avoid sexual encounters, with the implementation of the mechanism for renouncing any physical contact that can lead to sex.

So it will be important to establish the degree of “belief” that is structured with respect to one’s own inability or disappointing feeling, verifying what the person perceives and not the objective data.

as Hugo von Hofmannsthal reminds us.

In this regard, the Chinese stratagems come to the aid, in the strategic therapeutic approach. In particular, the stratagem of shifting attention towards something that does not concern the situation we are experiencing, that is, “to let the enemy go to the attic and remove the ladder”. Without, inter alia, that the subject has the perception of what is happening.

By determining

Although it is necessary in many cases, to discriminate if there is an anticipatory attitude of anxiety that amplifies the problem and makes it more complex.

Sexuality in the life of every couple that you love represents the most natural way to give yourself to the other and to receive the gift. Since the “gift” is represented by oneself and one’s own intimacy, often incomprehensible even to one’s own self, giving oneself and entrusting oneself to the other to welcome in turn, presupposes great trust, as well as respect, before any speech ‘love. Keeping in mind that a couple’s life that does not include sexuality can invade and compromise the psycho-physical well-being of both subjects.