Desire arises from a lack
We live on desires and desires, yet if called upon to define them, we always find ourselves in difficulty. And as Professor Recalcati rightly argues: “desire is not a simple thing”, and I would add … neither to explain, nor to live.
Have you ever wondered why when you see a shooting star, you make a wish? What does desire have to do with the stars?
Desire in Latin means ” lack of stars “.
Desire arises from a lack
The star since ancient times has always had a magical connotation. It has always contained the meaning of companionship. In fact, the stars illuminate the night, and have guided and guide sea and land travelers. The desire therefore, arises from a lack, is directed towards something or someone .
It feeds, is born and reborn even when satisfied . Desire is different from need, the latter represents an urgent need, once satisfied it ceases. Do you know the moment when you are hungry? When haven’t you eaten for hours and your stomach growls for attention? At that moment, any food can satisfy the need for hunger. Desire is not selective . It focuses its lights on that something, on that person, and it doesn’t foresee alternatives.
The iconography of desire is the child who rubs his hands looking at the gift pack under the Christmas tree because he is eager to open it. It is the teenager in love who waits to see his girlfriend after a week away.
Envy is a deep desire
Desire is envious passion. But mind you, envy, in its deep sense, is not a negative emotion, it can be a healthy feeling, which on the contrary, can lead to evolve, to grow. It is not necessarily destructive, but on the contrary it can be constructive.
Envy is as much a desire to have something that you do not have , to be like someone, who is an example, a mentor. To the detriment of what common sense believes, it does not necessarily foresee the will to “want to remove” or to desire evil for someone.
Viewed in these terms, it can be considered admiration, and can fuel healthy competition. Also useful for improving. Desire is emotion, and feeds emotions . The human being lives on this. The human being has a continuous need to desire . We are desire-dependent.
We are desire-dependent
The couple relationship is the relationship, the psychological context in which desire represents a vital part. Think of healthy and long-lived couples, those who seem to have to last forever, yet, if the desire begins to decrease, they are deeply threatened. It is not love properly understood that ends, but desire.
The bond between the partners is in fact destined to crumble because two fundamental elements are missing: to desire and to feel desired. Have you ever wondered why this happens?
Sometimes it is considered something normal, as if time passing has the power to regulate desire. Justifying in this way such a process, we unknowingly assume that we are in a position of passivity on which there is no possibility of intervening … but it is not so.
Both partners have great power: making themselves desirable in the eyes of the other . This in turn involves feeling desired. The first thing to do to make this happen is: avoid symbiosis. Remember the founding element of desire? Lack. If there is symbiosis, there can be no lack.
The feeling of never belonging completely must be left within the couple. This does not mean to arouse suspicion, but to limit a limit of individuality that belongs only to oneself , and where the partner does not have access. It means taking time, going out for a coffee with a friend and not taking your cell phone in hand every 5 minutes to write to your partner.
Set aside a day for your interests: go and see an exhibition of paintings, attend a conference, go to the gym. In short, even small attentions to yourself, which allow you to maintain a personal area where no one has access. And let’s not forget, that in the macro-world of desire, there is sexuality; which represents the oxygen that feeds the flame of love.
Many times, indeed, perhaps too many, after years of relationship it is taken for granted, as something superfluous and unnecessary. This is the big mistake that makes your partner, at a certain point, a friend. Intimacy must always be nourished with imagination, with novelty. We are human beings and we are constantly changing, constantly evolving. Together with us, our sexuality also changes. Over the years it changes, it transforms. New fantasies are nurtured, others go out. Sexuality is an ever-changing element that needs constant attention.
Intimacy should be lived in total freedom, free from any prejudice. Free from the fear of showing yourself and your fantasies within that magnificent shared space of the couple; where both partners have the right to be themselves in the deepest and most intimate way that exists.