Emotional maturity and dysfunctional bonds

Emotional maturity and dysfunctional bonds

Illustration: Anna Isabella Schmidt

Insisting in a bond is a bit like insisting on wanting you to wear a pair of tight shoes, in the end, perhaps, you might even be able to wear them, however they will hurt you with every step!

This concept fits every type of relationship: whether it is the bond with your mother, your father, your partner or a friend, if you have to work hard to conquer a shred of space , better if you think twice before continuing to invest in bond. The problem, when it comes to emotional investments , is that “divestment” is experienced as a defeat, as a loss , so one continues to “badly” invest one’s energies, one’s time, one’s “love”, up to involve the whole existence. We continue to invest in order not to lose … but not to lose what?

The value of the investment

Some children grew up elbowing to get noticed by their parents and so, as adults, they learned that you have to jump through hoops to “maintain” a relationship. Others, growing up, learned to settle for the crumbs up to lower the minimum standards of relationships … Still others, find themselves trapped in demeaning relationships and do not know how to get out of it, they simply cannot leave their partner.

Those who have gained a good dose of awareness are well aware that a  healthy relationship is made up of reciprocity , is well balanced, includes esteem and, above all, individuals try to foster the well-being of the couple (or the family system).

If we come across a relationship in which the other diminishes us, humiliates us and holds us responsible for all his dissatisfactions, then  divesting becomes an obligation towards himself.

Relationships are never easy because one has to deal with one’s own limits and with the limits of the other, but if it is true that we must try to understand the other, it is equally true that we have a sacred duty towards ourselves: that of respect, respect and love us. The focus, at some point in any relationship, should no longer be on “ why does it behave this way? “But on” how does his behavior make me feel? ” and above all “ why can I stand it? “. Based on the answers we are able to provide, we will have to start an action plan . An action plan aimed at improving, in one way or another, the quality of one’s life and one’s emotional ties.

Detachment, something to be avoided at all costs

Often the action plan should include physical or emotional detachment . Given that posting is not an action that takes place overnight, but a difficult process that must be matured consciously . Many of us, due to a difficult life, have great difficulties  only in contemplating the idea of ​​detachment … thus they drag demeaning and anything but satisfying relationships in order to preserve the bond that, albeit harmful, exists .

In paradoxical situations, the link must be maintained because it exists and not because it feeds a well-being system (as expected from healthy emotional ties). It is a bit like buying by mistake a terribly large vase that clutters the whole table preventing its use and, even after having ascertained the nefarious impact on the aesthetics and functionality of the table, persisting in holding the vase because it is now been paid , an investment has been made!

Imagine that you spent a lot on that vase and not only in economic terms; imagine you waited a long time to get it. Throwing away the vase would mean frustrating years of expectations, hopes, planning and throwing money away … however, keeping it means invalidating each day of life, it means not being able to use a table and live in an impoverished and impoverished environment.

In making all ties we invest in terms of expectations, planning, hopes, time, emotional energies, self-worth … all non-refundable components , moreover the object of the investment is often seen as irreplaceable .

Still, emotional detachment could be a launching pad capable of opening new doors and revealing unthinkable opportunities . In order not to sacrifice the bond and the investments that revolve around (ideals, memories, hopes, dreams …) one ends up paying a much higher price in terms of emotional well-being.

If you are caught up in an insane relationship, know that detachment could be the natural consequence of healthy emotional emancipation .

Emotional maturity

From birth to adulthood we face a large number of changes. We go from a state of total dependence to total independence. This passage is sometimes arrested at some stage and independence, understood as  emotional maturity , is slow in coming.

Attention, being emotionally emancipated does not mean “not needing anyone”, but it means being able to forge rewarding ties, feel secure in the relationship, feel confident in exploring life.

When we are small, immersed in our total dependence, we have a reduced range of action, we are passionate about a few things and our way is really limited. As we grow, we develop our own ideas, tastes and interests begin to become more complex, the range of action expands and a healthy emotional maturity is reached . The other is undoubtedly important and we are too: we discover that we have an intrinsic value that we cultivate day after day (by investing in ourselves and in the development of our identity).

As children we are subordinated to our parents, growing up we occupy equal positions with others (including parents). We can be “subordinate” or “superior” in a working context but not in an inter-personal framework.

An emotionally emancipated person can be described as active, independent, confident of his or her own personal value and self-controlled .

On the contrary, a person who has not had the opportunity to invest in the right way on himself can be described as passive, dependent, with low confidence in himself and in the other. It can be described as a person who feels the need to control everything  to quell a kind of inner insecurity.

Invest in yourself

If you have not done so far, know that it is never too late to start investing in yourself. Take your hand and accompany yourself on the journey of life. Make yours only a prerogative: be patient and benevolent with your frailties, surely they are there for reasons beyond your will.

Looking for a culprit is of little use, when the desire is to improve, what matters is to learn to appreciate and value one’s inner resources. You can start knowingly choosing what you want to do on each occasion without having to try to please others. You can evaluate and correct your goals just by trying to respect your inner worth.

The more you invest in yourself, the more your value will increase, the emotional detachment from harmful people will be a natural consequence of your growth process. To learn more, I recommend reading my article dedicated to human pruning.

nb: the female gender also applies to the male.