Fall in love with those who come and go. What is an indefinite relationship
Fall in love with those who come and go. What is an indefinite relationship and how it can harm psychological well-being.
The restrictions continue, the forced stay at home is prolonged and there is no possibility of meeting , approaching, sharing face to face interests, goals, concerns, and so on. Collective imprisonment has led to an inevitable shift in the level of relationships, which suddenly find themselves catapulted only onto the virtual world.
With this shift, a good slice of non-verbal communication is inevitably removed in the live encounter, an essential part for establishing an intimate connection with the other ; there is no possibility to look each other in the eyes, to combine words with body language, to be physically close. Consequently, communication is easily limited by devices, “talking” is derubricated from “writing” with the awareness of not knowing if and when a response will arrive.
This method, in a historical period that forces us to stay away, is as widespread as it is risky for psychological health, especially when there remains an excessive vagueness in the relationship and it becomes a titanic undertaking to strike the right balance between distance and proximity .
At the beginning the story may seem like a fairy tale, but with the passage of time and restrictions something changes: he (but all this can also be referred to a woman) shows very little clarity on his intentions, stops responding to messages and calls , appears distracted, vague when you try to clarify.
After some time he will contact you again, but without investing much time in the dialogue , he does not resume the discussion and is somewhat elusive. Such a relationship is accompanied by fears, uncertainties about the future and drastic changes in everyday life, exacerbating psychological malaise and stress.
What does an indefinite relationship entail?
The indefinite relationship is often characterized by the dance between disappearing and returning, or ghosting and orbiting. The ghosting means interrupting contacts without giving an explanation that sometimes follows the orbiting a return made sporadic text messages, a few phone calls or viewing of the stories in most situations does not take off in a stable relationship.
This is nothing more than a toxic relationship because it does not create sharing and reciprocity: instead of growth, an asymmetrical stalemate remains, in which one runs away and the other “chases” also with mental actions.
Not only the behaviors, the attempts to contact, to receive an explanation or to improve the quality of the relationship, but also all the emotional and cognitive investment that pours on that relationship and therefore the time spent thinking, hypothesizing, acting, count justify and so on.
When the relationship works, ghosting and orbiting do happen, but they are destined to gradually fade away to leave room for evolution in the couple. Whether we overcome the crisis or not, we come to a certainty : we are together or we say goodbye.
In the first case the relationship continues and strengthens, in the second it ends and separates us definitively, in any case a mutual respect is revealed in both, the stagnant one being in the “middle” between being friends and boyfriends, but also strangers and acquaintances, never completely divided or united, that a confused relationship starts very easily generating pain.
A functional link, which for extraordinary needs suddenly becomes remote, can therefore include a moment of silence, which however is also analyzed by the couple in video calls or on the phone.
There is no fear of discussing or dividing, but we communicate what goes and does not go directly, limpid and transparent even at the cost of reaching an end. This does not happen when we are faced with a toxic and indefinite relationship, in which we promise to put a right distance from the other, and then return to the starting point, so instead of leaving or limiting attempts to dialogue, the desire to unite increases, he insists on justifying his behaviors, understanding them from various angles, until he is convinced of improbable and improbable explanations.
It is very easy, therefore, to misinterpret his words, actions (what he publishes, what he said a month ago and so on) to make sense of what is happening and therefore unravel the unknown.
At this rate, however, we end up too often to attribute its vagueness “to the outside”, to the stress related to the health emergency, with all the related concerns, but not to the relationship itself, moving further and further away from what other is subtly communicating.
It is extremely common, therefore, to “tell” more comfortable and painless explanations (for example: “he has had bad experiences and is wary”, “he is stressed because he does not go to work and does not see friends”, “is the period that brings to be further away, but he will pass and I can help him “and so on) so as not to see, and therefore accept, that he will not change with your help, let alone become more present and consistent with patience, time, demonstrations, and that, with the facts, has already shown you what it can offer you, that is, an intermittent and superficial presence.
Living all this in a period that limits exits, relief valves and amplifies fears, is to bring more stress rather than taking care of yourself, with the risk of softening the days rather than enriching them, solidifying negative beliefs about yourself and your others, as well as contracting depressive or anxious disorders, for example.
Spending more time at home reduces the spaces of communication with the outside world, the possibility of meeting new people and experiencing other relationships, as well as dissipating the fear of loneliness, a very frequent problem in those who have a virtual relationship when they “don’t know nobody else”.
Going through a profitable period for psychological health, in these cases, really means deepening the aspects of oneself that lead to choose, and to remain, in an indefinite relationship.
Why do you end up in an indefinite relationship?
Many people can meet a man or woman who does not clarify his intentions, the difference is that not everyone invests time and resources after finding inconsistency, the alternation between moments of closeness and disappearances.
Those who instantly get out of the “game” of vagueness, it is clear that this type of relationship does not satisfy their needs; those who remain, however, have lost some steps in personal knowledge, so let the unresolved sufferings affect the choices, actions and thoughts.
You often want a stable, lasting, intimate bond, however you “stumble” on an absent, unstable, vague man who offers a completely opposite relationship to what is expected, but which you do not want to give up, telling infinite pretexts for do not leave permanently.
Although it involves a considerable amount of stress, being in a wrong relationship retains a secondary advantage, that of not really engaging with anyone, of remaining “busy” to catch the fluttering butterflies that flee and return.
An indefinite relationship is comparable to a tiring and shaky job: it takes away a lot of space to devote itself to an inconclusive story that takes away the energies rather than feeding them. This “job”, however, is useful for not feeling other pains; he does not hold fast, not out of real sustenance or genuine interest, but because it distracts from a more important problem which, if listened to, frees from suffering.
On the other hand, he may want a stable and clear relationship, but look for something else, from which he cannot separate for fear of being alone or because collecting one or more contacts makes him feel important without investing, in fact, time and resources in an authentic relationship.
When the situation becomes complicated, that is, when you insist on receiving explanations or ask for greater closeness , or even try to lengthen the conversation in an attempt to get closer, the escape happens, to avoid therefore deepening the bond.