How do you fall in love: consequences of disappointment and rupture.
The end of a love story is always complex to overcome. Especially in the long-lasting stories, the partners have accumulated many common experiences, have shared memories and a large part of their life is superimposed. In short, they are almost one.
When the relationship ends, after the disappointment and the breakup, there is the pain of disconnecting from the partner. Even the most dysfunctional relationship in the world, if protracted long enough, activates reinforcement mechanisms.
2 types of reinforcement in love
Seeing the person I love makes me feel good. That’s why I’m looking for her and I want to spend time with her.
Not seeing the person I love makes me feel bad. Maybe because I fear that if I’m not with her, she can betray me, or I can’t stand the idea that without me she is equally well. That’s why I’m looking for her and I need to spend time with her.
Love and addiction
Love activates the same chemical and cognitive mechanisms of substance addiction. Positive reinforcements always drive interaction. When I am with my loved one I am fine. Bad to say, but it’s the same thing that happens to those who start taking an amazing substance.
Lucky and tenacious couples always find new ways to enhance the time they spend together. In this way, they manage to live positive reinforcements throughout their lives.
For many, however, sooner or later the time comes for negative efforts. It is no longer the pursuit of pleasure that gives me being with my partner to hold on to him. It is the need to remove the pain, because without him I can no longer stay. Then I look for him as I would look for a drug that now gives me no more pleasure, but abstinence is unbearable.
What happens to our brain after breaking up
When the romance ends, the brain searches in vain for the reinforcement it had until recently. Positive or negative doesn’t matter, it’s gone.
From a behavioral point of view, the chemical and cognitive imbalance that follows the break with the partner, gives rise to poorly reasoned behaviors. We can’t even talk about emotions, what we feel is a kind of hunger. We lack part of the nourishment that constituted our emotional diet.
It is this hunger that makes us send a message late at night to our ex.
It is this hunger that drives us to review it to clarify what still needs to be clarified.
It is this hunger that makes us go back, deny our decision and lose ourselves with the ex.
Life is made up of small moments and everyone is bearable
In self-help groups such as anonymous alcoholics, or those related to other addictions, it is taught to break up the time.
When you wake up in the morning, the lack of a person or substance is intolerable if you think you won’t have it until the evening. If, on the other hand, you try to deprive yourself of it only for an hour, it becomes easier. Is an hour still too long? Okay half an hour, ten minutes or less.
Each person has a common temporal denominator, a minimum portion of time within which every pain is tolerable.
When I had cut the cornea and my eye was bleeding pus, I was in excruciating pain. It was just 10 pm and I should have waited until morning for antibiotic bites and relief. At first I thought about when they were 10 hours long, all night of agony. I was overwhelmed with anguish. Then I remembered this technique, I thought that five minutes I could resist. I’ve done it. Then five more. I still did it. In the end, five minutes after five minutes, I even fell asleep for a few hours.
I had won.
As real as the pain of falling out of love is, overcoming it is easier than you think. While you complain that you can’t, your brain is already working on giving up that reinforcement. The only help you need to give him is to avoid relapses.
Yesterday you thought you were dying and today look at yourself, you are still alive and happy.