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How to find the right person in a difficult world

How to find the right person in a difficult world


Mi ha meravigliato scoprire che un buon numero di italiani digita sui motori di ricerca domande tipo: come trovare la persona giusta oppure come riconoscere la persona giusta. In effetti investiamo molte energie nel cercare la persona giusta, quella con la quale condividere la nostra vita. Ci affanniamo per fare la scelta giusta e tentiamo di carpire quali sono i segnali per riconoscerla… tuttavia, in questa ricerca tutta volta all’esterno, trascuriamo un fattore cruciale: noi stessi.

Come trovare la persona giusta

La persona giusta è quella che con noi condivide valori e obiettivi. Per riconoscere la persona giusta dovremmo prima imparare a conoscere profondamente noi stessi, tu ci hai mai provato? Hai mai provato a conoscere realmente quelli che sono i tuoi valori e i tuoi scopi di vita? Hai mai tentato di comprendere perché i tuoi valori sono organizzati in un certo modo? Scommetto di no… se avessi iniziato a scoprirti davvero, avresti capito che la persona giusta sei tu e ogni altro quesito sarebbe stato superfluo.

Finding out that you are the right person will only allow you to forge ties with justly right people . It sounds like a play on words, but what I’m trying to tell you is very simple: you will be able to  find the right person  only when you understand that the right person for yourself is you, first!

The partner must be sought in the “external world” and not in the “internal world”

Love does not have the task of filling a void or completing an unfinished work. Some are waiting for the right person with the pretense that they can somehow fix their life,  but it doesn’t work that way. Everyone has the power to complete himself, to be able to build his own dimension within which to feel satisfied.

“So one plants his garden and decorates his soul,
instead of expecting someone to bring flowers.” – VA Shoffstall

The  people live simultaneously  in an inner world and an outer world, the error into which many fall in finding the right person is to confuse their inner world with the outer one. 

In the internal world there is our personal history, there are images and residues of relationships with other important (parents); these “residues” (as defined by Greenberg and Mitchell, 1983) strongly influence the psychic functioning and attachment context that we experience as adults. The “Object Relationship Theory” was the first attempt in the psychoanalytic field to investigate the relationship between the internal and external world up to focus the interest in the affective sphere within which the individual develops. It is to the Theory of Object Relations that we owe the concept of  false self  that we develop based on the expectations (implicit or explicit) of the other important ones.

The “inner world” of each of us develops with the first significant experiences. In practice, each of us adjusts his affectivity based on his  psychological experience . Our mind is born and developed through a series of identifications with other important ones.

Recognize the right person

The choice of the partner, of the  right person , can be understood as the search for the person with whom to  realize a subjective expectation partly linked to the need to experience that sense of We already lived in the past (G. Klein, 1976). In practice, in the present we are looking for a feeling of belonging that can somehow reshape our internal world , in particular in relation to the representation of the ties with parents and the dynamics of the parental couple (said in simplistic terms, the way in which mom treated dad and vice versa).

We feel the need to reshape our inner world when we drag on unsatisfied needs and unresolved conflicts that have never emerged or are not addressed on a conscious level.

When we look for the right person, therefore, only on the surface do we search for what is external , however falling in love and searching  are factors that have more to do with a subjective state of the Self rather than looking for something that is out of the Self.

In looking for a partner we select those characteristics  that can serve the  purpose of reshaping our internal world , therefore the partner will have to welcome all the  aspects projected and in turn be involved in a dynamic of projection and cross-identification .

When we look for the right person, the right  partner , this search is influenced by our internal image of a couple which in turn was formed in the light of our ancestral processes of Attachment / Care, Admiration, Envy towards our parents as a couple and as we subsequently reworked this internal image.

It is clear that those with low self-awareness are at the mercy of these psychological mechanisms and can get caught up in dysfunctional research.

You are the right person for you

The  natural selection of partners works only when you begin to understand that the right person is you . If you start to perceive yourself as a person worthy of esteem, worthy of love, with a good sense of self-efficacy, the selection of the right person will take place naturally.

If you live in peace with yourself,  in harmony with your inner world , in your life you will know how to work alongside those who really know how to appreciate you. You will have no difficulty in establishing authentic relationships and in cultivating, in every bond, a precious emotional resource .

On the contrary, if you have unresolved conflicts  , if you  don’t live in harmony with your internal world and drag on  unmet needs , your search for the right person will be focused on an attempt to reshape your internal world. The partner will not be an opportunity to explore new external worlds, it will not be the source of new contentments, but will be understood as an attempt to fix something. 

The couple relationship as an apparent reality

Within certain terms, all of us let ourselves be guided by our internal world in choosing the partner. The problem arises only when this “internal world” tends to  collusion . The term “cum ludere” means “playing together” and “deceiving”:  collusion is a game made by two people who deceive each other .

An individual comes to collusion when he finds in the other one who confirms him in the ” false self he tries to achieve. In practice, in the couple it is as if each component found in the other the  reinforcement of the false representation he has of himself and the outside world . Through the other, an attempt is made to give this internal representation  the appearance of  reality .

That’s why in the introduction you read that to find the right person you first need to  find yourselfknow yourself deeply , so as to take root in your most authentic self.

Basing the choice of the partner only on the inner world has a big limit: in the collusion that one finds, each one agrees to develop only parts of himself that conform to the needs of the other , giving up other parts of himself and many possibilities of to be.

Recommended book: Psychology of emotional development