It is time to make human pruningThe people you share your life with can help you make it better or worse. Pay attention to who you choose.
In the life of each of us a “human selection” takes place in a completely natural way. This ” natural selection “, metaphorizing what was theorized by Charles Darwin, is a key mechanism of personal evolution according to which, during the course of life, there is a progressive (and cumulative) increase in individuals with optimal characteristics for the environment in which they live . This means that if a toxic person does not find a favorable environment to thrive, it will not be long to change direction and get out of your life!
But this also means that if in your life you come across progressively and cumulatively with toxic people, there is something wrong with your human selection and you need to act, you need to make human pruning .
Natural selection is passive
The natural selection of people who are part of your life occurs spontaneously; the human selection can be defined as a passive process .
If you live in peace with yourself, in harmony with your inner needs , in your life you will find yourself in the company of those who really know how to appreciate you. You will have no difficulty in establishing authentic relationships and in cultivating, in every bond, a precious emotional resource . In this context, human pruning could serve to correct what human selection has already done for you.
On the contrary, if you have not yet developed a sense of self-efficacy, you will end up surrounding yourself with those who diminish and discredit you. Interpersonal efficacy is related to the management of relationships, low self-efficacy will lead you to forge demeaning ties, will lead you to surround yourself with discrediting people, who can betray, manipulate, lie (…), will lead to tighten bonds made of absences and emotional voids . In this last case, human selection (understood as a passive process) is not enough, a certain reactivity is necessary, human pruning is necessary .
It is time to make human pruning
The dry branches must be cut, are arid, weigh down and prevent the sun’s rays from radiating fully. So are toxic relationships: asphyxiated, they subtract vitality and expressive force.
The cognitive resources of the human being are not infinite, so, every day, we make a selection and decide (more or less consciously) what or who to give priority to, what and to whom to give our attention . Toxic people deprive us of precious resources and more: those who have not yet developed a great value for themselves could be crushed .
So what to do? Here we go from natural selection to an active and deliberate process that passes through evaluation .
The first question to ask yourself: how does that particular person make me feel? How does this relational dynamic make me feel?
Introspection is fundamental to understanding recurring relational dynamics. A psychotherapy course could be useful to increase your sense of self-efficacy and finally get to know each other deeply.
Every relationship should be based on a mutual exchange , a give / take . This concept will not only help you define relationships for what they really are , it will also allow you to keep away those people who tend only to have without giving anything in return.
Exchange and confrontation are essential and no relationship should be one-way . Starting from this, set expectations of loyalty and reliability and cut out from your life those who do not give you back the respect and esteem they receive from you.
Surround yourself with people who are truly worthy of your esteem and capable of reciprocating and treating your emotions. The human pruning not only concern persons to be removed from their lives but also costly expenditures of time and bad habits. What is the point of seeing a large number of news programs a day to accumulate worries and anguish? What’s the point of having friends on FB who only post content we don’t like? Here too, a preliminary evaluation, followed by a conscious choice, can improve our life experience.
And when relationships cannot be “cut”?
We assume that no relationship is binding. Work can be changed, family affections can be disappointed (and abandoned) … but at what price? Unfortunately we live in an imperfect world where forced choices exist. So we are content with “forcibly staying” in a relationship that we poorly endure.
When the possibility of human pruning is not contemplated, the path of emotional detachment becomes necessary . It’s not something too difficult: it depends on how involved you are in that relationship.
In a toxic parent-child relationship, in which the child has had to suffer years of wrongs and abuse, the emotional burden is enormous, the same goes for talking about a relationship with an ex partner with whom you share a child … In some circumstances it is no longer lawful to “suffer” but it is also not possible to go away. Emotional maturity can give a new meaning to the word “tolerance”.
The tolerance no longer has a meaning of subordination but becomes the best weapon. Tolerance and detachment become the weapons to defuse the other , to slip slanders and arrows on him.
If the other’s beliefs, ideas and ways of doing things are in conflict with yours, you cannot pretend to change them … what you can do is step back, what you can do is reduce the relationship to the minimum terms . In this case, pruning does not concern the person to be sent away but the emotional resources that you will decide to stop investing!
You can use those resources for yourself, to cultivate your well-being at other times and in other places. A preliminary step, however, is to accept the other, to accept how much the other has disappointed you, to accept the pain you have suffered … Accepting a situation , however painful it may be, does not mean suffering it, but it means going on your way despite all. Go ahead to the best of your ability, because life must be taken care of.