The third element of the Couple: JealousyWe are talking about non-pathological jealousy, an emotion present to varying degrees in all couples.
Ouch jealousy. Feeling that brings with it a strong emotional load . Jealousy often frightens both those who suffer it and those who experience it. Jealousy can take many forms: a child can experience it towards his parents, or more frequently in adulthood, towards his partner.
Jealousy arises from a fear
But, what exactly is jealousy? It can be identified as a feeling that arises from a fear , namely that of losing your loved one. Whether it is due to a betrayal or abandonment determined by the most varied reasons, what feeds jealousy is the fear of loss .
Jealousy is a universal emotion, it belongs to every culture and has always been present. Basically it was born as a “defense strategy” towards yourself, towards what makes you feel good. It was created to pursue the protection of one’s well-being. It is the result of a fear, that of abandonment and for this reason it deserves to be accepted and not judged.
Very often, in fact, those who suffer it are often condemned, they are annoyed, yet, if not exaggerated or pathological , jealousy is an indication of love and investment towards a love story. Jealousy is a complex emotion, a mixture of love and fear. It is probably the most complicated emotion to manage.
In sentimental relationships, jealousy often arises from the perception of “external threats”, that is, all those people who represent “rivals in love”, who hypothetically could undermine their relationship by distancing their partner. So also as Robert L. Leahy specified in his book “the cure of jealousy”, jealousy “It is anger towards someone we consider an intruder or opponent. It is resentment towards those we fear will abuse our trust . “
The need to control the partner
With the advent of the new technology, to date there is in many cases exaggerated control over his / her own. Controls comparable to those of a detective. The most skilled with technology no longer simply check sms or e-mails, but even manage to “geo-locate” the partner to be able to monitor all his movements, then checking if they coincide with what is stated by / from the same / a.
By condemning such behavior as exaggerated, without investigating the reasons, there is a risk of superficial sin. Given that each person has its own system of values through which he carries out actions, makes decisions, and lives his own life, let’s not forget that there are many variables that play an important role in determining jealousy . The processes through which the influence of these factors takes place is completely irrational, just as all their emotions are magic in their magic.
One factor that intervenes in mediating jealousy is certainly the value that is attributed to one’s relationship. Sometimes, the perception of a lower degree of investment by the partner within the relationship can be a valid reason to trigger feelings of jealousy . Thus vulnerability is experienced, due to the feeling of being the element which, within the couple, has the least “value”.
Disappointment emerges because one does not feel reciprocated in one’s feelings and in the commitment placed in the relationship. In all this, even self-confidence can falter, as can trust in others. In this way, one is more careful towards the possible rivals, and therefore more jealous. Frequent are the confrontation behaviors between oneself and those who consider themselves more charming, attractive. Comparison that tends to lead to finding every means to avoid that the rival can get close to his / her partner.
The lack of self-esteem
Lack of self-esteem is perhaps the variable that more than any other determines jealousy. Self-esteem is nothing but love for oneself, and if one does not love one another, one will be convinced that no one can do it . Self-esteem is built throughout life, and childhood is the crucial period for a solid “self-love” to be built. To make this happen, the references of significant adults are needed (parents, grandparents, etc.); their words full of esteem must fill that internal container called ” love for oneself” .
It is essential that the reference figures make us feel like love. Then life will intervene to mediate self-esteem, through friendships, school, work, positive or negative experiences. When this happens, it is important that a solid basis of self-esteem has already been established, otherwise the risk is that of seeing the perception of one’s own value fade away.
Here then that, by strengthening or building one’s self-esteem it will be possible to be less slaves than jealous a. Only the awareness of one’s own value, but above all, the awareness of being a person worthy of love, can mitigate the fear of losing one’s partner.
To ensure that jealousy does not become a halter, to paradoxically make it the cause of the breakdown of the relationship, it is necessary to know how to control it and not be controlled by it.